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"ATTENTION ALL USELESS KAPPA SLUTS -- Congratulations! If you're reading this, it means you've overcome the limitations of your tiny manatee brains and opened an email. Now, if you're asking yourself 'DERR, wait, I'm confused. Is Chanel talking to ME? Am I a useless Kappa slut?' simply ask yourself the following question aloud... 'IS MY NAME CHANEL #3, CHANEL #5, CHANEL #6, OR ZAYDAY WILLIAMS?' Because if the answer to that is "YES", then FELICITATIONS! THIS MISSIVE IS FOR YOU!
So, do you all remember when we agreed to meet at the campus pool and kill the Dean, and I got you all AWESOME new phones, so that when it came time to meet, the phone would light up a certain color, and when it did, you didn't even have to answer it, you just had to come meet at the aforementioned pool?
And then do you remember NOT coming to the pool, despite me making it super easy for you by concocting a plan so simple that an orangutan could have figured it out? Like, literally, a circus ape of moderate intelligence could have looked down at the phone sticking out of the single pocket in the front of his comical lederhosen and seen it light up and used his short little legs to waddle over to his tiny, motorized Shriner's car and driven to the pool like I asked.
Do you remember any aspect of this SUPER-SIMPLE PLAN? That's not a rhetorical question - I'm literally asking if your tiny slut brains have the power to process ANY OF MY SUPER SIMPLE ORANGUTAN-LEVEL INSTRUCTIONS. Because what I remember is that NONE OF YOU SHOWED UP, which meant I had to sit at that stupid pool by myself, like a GRADE-A ASSHAT with a bag full of enormous chains to drown Dean Munsch with and then have a super awkward convo with her where I was like, 'Oh, derr, I just like bringing enormous chains to pools', and I looked like a total div.
I don't entirely know what you whores could have been doing that was more important than helping your chapter president drown a serial killer, but unless that thing you were doing was getting enemas of pure liquid gold at a new local establishment called 'Liquid Gold Colonics for Young Sluts', like if you were doing literally anything else, you all should seriously consider doing the human race a favor and getting sterilized.
I'm not being facetious. I literally think you should consider undergoing a surgical procedure to remove your ovaries, thereby sparing human race exposure to your DNA. You four trollops are the worst specimens of human beings ever born, and you all should REALLY watch your backs, because if this serial killer targeting Kappa House doesn't chop off your heads, I'M GOING TO DO IT! So I can sell your tiny whore brainpans to science.
Sincerely, Chanel Oberlin".
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